On-line Research Writing:  English 102 
Professor Gary Parks (gparks@shoreline.edu)
Shoreline Community College 
Shoreline, WA, USA 

Revision Log Examples

The following Revision Log submissions completed the assignment successfully.

Example A // Example B

First Example:

REVISION LOG 1. Documentation. I fixed my major citation mistake in the third paragraph: I made a mistake by having the wrong article (from the same journal) on my Works Cited page. The article was titled "Television's Impact on Children", whereas I had "Public Broadcasting: Ready to Teach" listed at the end. I also corrected the actual in-text citation by putting it in quotes instead of underlined, as it is an article, not a book, and I couldn't find the author.

2. Use of quotation. I shortened the first huge quote from Postman to about half, leaving a lot of his elaboration out so that its much more succinct for my point. I also changed the wording directly preceeding the quote from "Neil Postman offers a similar view:" to "Neil Postman speaks of a battle between television and the printed word for students minds:". This paraphrases the first sentence of the original quote making the transition between quotes flow better and setting up a clearer connection to my argument.

3. Organization: I decided to make a major change in the organization to better fit my thesis, which talks first about ADHD itself, then two causes: fast paced life and changes in education. The original paper organization talked about the pace of life first, meandered into a discussion of ADHD, then transitioned into a discussion of education. My revision was to follow the logical sequence set by the thesis, whereas before the paper jumped around too much.

4. Development. I added a significant amount of practical information about ADHD right after introduction, as well as information about specific studies involving comparing brian imaging of ADHD and non-ADHD subjects in the third paragraph. I think this additional information strengthens my attempt to link ADHD to television, which was very weak in the original paper.

5. Transitions. The change in organization I made allows for many smoother transitions and over better continuity and cohesiveness through the paper. I also took out the use of the Seattle Times article about the Tenth Street school, because I did not have enough information to back up how that school was such an exception, or in fact how American schools were in such a sorry state in the first place.

Second Example:

Revision log: 1. Through the paper, I made changes of spelling, phrasing and other grammatical errors.

• e.g. (As a induction of this truth),I changed it to ( as a deduction of this truth).
• e.g. (Gradually, all researches...) to ( Gradually, all research)
• e.g. ( using negative - pressure- ventilaor as an example,) to (Negative -pressure- ventilator can be used as an example)

2. Divide long paragraph in to subgroups. e.g. In the fifth paragraph of the original paper, I continue depicting what are the risks of using technology ( negative pressure ventilator). After the I made the statement (we may not think of because this kind of ventilator helps children with spinal cord injury and neuromuscular disease to survive and allows them to leave hospital and return home), I did not start with a new paragraph. In the revised version, I basically change the arrangement of sentences and add a sentence ( Nonetheless, there are risks and flaws that we may not think of while using negative pressure ventilator). And I continue stating the data with a new paragraph: ( Respiratory aid does help......)

3. Cancelling some redundent sentences. e.g. I deleted the sentence ( The development of health technology has helped us gain uncountable victories in battles of humand and bacteria.)

4. I add sentences to the paragraph in order to make my point clear. e.g. I add ( Only this way can we ensure our body safety. (This is definitely a desire.)). e.g. (As we go through newspapers or magazines, it is not amazing to find a lot of complaints and deaths that are accounted to medical technology.) I also added a whole paragraph to describe the relation between the cost of medication and the imperfection of technology. ( On the same note, the high cost of medcation comes from the capital taht is needed for developing a new technology. Because technology is imperfect, we need to make improvement when we realize old tevchnology's insufficiency.........)

5. I rearrange sentences to make it more organized. e.g. In paragraph six, I put 'Resipiratory aid helps to prolong patients'lives......) from the middle of the paragraph to the beginning of the new paragraph and put the statistics number to support it.